My Body: Is It Really Mine?

how my right versus wrong, all or nothing personality shaped my perception of body & sex

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Biblical preservation for what is to come versus cultural liberalism for the here and now. One was what I ought to practice in order to be "good" and the other was icky and dirty for temporary satisfaction surrounding sex and therefore, body. The two were connected in my mind. There was no middle ground, no exploration and a strict narrow focused mentality embedded in my black and white, rule following personality.

You are created in the image of God. How do you respond?

Your body is a temple. What does that mean to you?

Your body is a gift, the more it is opened and repackaged, the more battered it will be for the ultimate receiver. Have you heard this statement before?

God is perfect, yes? If He resides in me, I must strive for perfection. If my body is His dwelling, I must keep it clean as much as possible or in other words, where I can control temptations easier than others. Battered... my mind immediately perceives as used, worn, ugly.

While there is 100% biblical truth in His creation and our body used as His dwelling place, these facts have been distorted to fit a message, consciously and subconsciously in some instances, to provide a simple answer to a complex topic. In the Christian arena, perhaps we are uncomfortable and uneducated when talking about our bodies because we may fear that if we provide information or educate ourselves, we will inherently use the information in a sinful way? So we instill our fear driven response into our dos and don'ts list by using face value biblical principles to justify the means.

For me, the imagery of a battered gift and my ill-informed, non contextualized message of body image in the name of God, warped my ability to rationalize body exploration as acceptable to God and so therefore, I didn't. I had no knowledge of my body inside (other than my irregular periods) and out. Furthermore, beyond the "your body is a gift" talk at home, we did not talk about body parts or bodily responses. We also did not talk about it in the Church. Why? The consequence of the silence enabled me to successfully and completely block curiosity from my brain. I took what I perceived to be good and faithful, right versus wrong, and twisted it to make my own boundaries therefore, missing the point of what God intended, all so I would be a perfect package one day. Oh, Lorraine...sigh.

Yet when that one day came, I had no clue what to do or how to feel, not one iota. For 23 years, sexuality as it related to my body had been something to suppress until right at that moment and now that it was here and deemed good, how the heck was I to turn suppression into optimism instantly? There was no way for me to cognitively flip a switch from shame to acceptance overnight.

It's of no surprise, the switch has yet to be fully flipped. I still struggle with feeling confident in my own skin, especially in times of intimacy with my husband. To explore my body, to fully comprehend how my body responds, what certain body parts are and how they function is slowly becoming less of a foreign concept to me than in the past. I have no doubt this is a contributing factor to a larger symptom within Vulvodynia. My brain does not easily strike the rules I've created and therefore, does not effortlessly desire the concept of intimacy. I become tense, hyper-focus on what Joshua thinks of me, doubt myself and allow the loud voices in my head stating, "you're being dirty" to override the joy of the moment.

Please do not take me the wrong way, I'm neither condoning sex outside of marriage nor am I suggesting that our bodies be used in a way that hurts us mentally, physically or spiritually, but I am suggesting we begin to recognize that the body does not have to be perceived as icky, battered and used should we want to learn how our bodies are comprised and what they are capable of. There is middle ground. We do not have to disconnect education from the equation simply because our bodies are the main component of sex. We do not have to be silent or hesitant about something God created to be beautiful in order to protect purity.

Unfortunately, I write all of this without the knowledge to provide an exact "how to" answer to the conundrum. I am also recognizing I've never been in a situation where I've had to physically talk to someone about their body and the challenge it may be in the moment, especially because family dynamics, idea of guidance and self awareness are diverse. I understand personality plays a major role in the act here however, perhaps scrapping the battered gift speech, providing biblical truth, informing our children about their bodies, talking about it consistently and trusting in God to do the protecting of our hearts would be a good first step?

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Our Coffee Order

At home: we drink a blended light roast (grinder set to medium) by Abendnego Coffee (local to us) + I add a bit of oat milk creamer.

Fun fact: one never new how difficult it would be merging coffee preferences in a marriage!! Our coffee of choice matches our personalities almost weirdly. Joshua is the trusty ole', don't need much, content with basic Maxwell House kinda guy & I'm queen bee...lol the java snob. Joshua and I needed the perfect blend of acquiring new taste + tone down the drama for our coffee routine & Abendnego was just that :)

(Side bar: I fully place the responsibility of my coffee pickiness trait on my college roommate, as she carted me around to various coffee shops and brought home different types of beans to grind for three years. Bless her.)

Out and About: I like to try local coffee shops but Starbucks is a staple, especially because of its convenient location inside our grocery store! I have a few favorites to share but I want to hear what your order is! Comment your order in the chat box and I'll venture to try!

Lo's Order

• Skinny Vanilla or Hazelnut Latte, half the pumps with almond milk

• Skinny Salted Caramel Cold Foam Cold Brew with almond milk (won't get as foamy on top)

• Skinny Peppermint Mocha Latte, one pump each with almond milk (around the holidays)

Joshua's Order

• Pikes Place, no room, straight black (what did I tell ya, he's my trusty basic ole' pal!)

• Mocha Cookie Crumble or Java Chip Frappuccino (then he goes straight wild in the summer time LOL)