Words On A Page

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Whew, this week's topic was challenging to get out. I tried to come up with something more elegant and picturesque but it wasn't working out. Most likely because I have yet to fully grapple with its existence in my life and how to entirely cope from it. It's not a switch. It's not as simple as changing a mindset.

I'm walking in its challenges as we read together. It's a current event.

I have anxiety & at times, depression and that's not easy to admit or write for that matter, not even behind a screen. Readers, I do not mean to scare you or concern you, but I am here to process and inform. Leaving this subject out does not do you, potentially a fellow individual walking through a similar journey, any good because if I left this nonsense post out, it wouldn't be exactly real content. It's part of the journey, in real time. This topic is a primary reason why I needed an outlet yet its also why this week's post had a delayed departure.

Anxiety, depression, sadness, grief, mourning, lamenting, weeping it hits you like a freight train, entangling your mind and body into some sort of fashion unfit for coherency. So I apologize if the rest of this post makes no sense or doesn't flow in a nice and neat natural order but here it goes...

This past week, I've learned that my hormones are still imbalanced but in a different way than before. Three years of medical procedures, tests, blood work and one year of hormone therapy, physical therapy, counseling and progress in some areas, seem as if healing is farther away than anticipated and for that reason, the anxiety has blanketed my mind with worry and deep disappointment.

You see, the results of the blood work spiral me right back down the funnel I thought I worked diligently to get out of. The funnel spirals you down, spinning your mind in tangents of worry and fear. Sometimes its a fast whirlwind-like spiral and other times, it's slow and antagonizing. It's one more thing, one more step, one more procedure, one more ruling out test... it's one more setback to deal with and process through. Although, it is the waiting game in which I dread the most.

And honestly readers, I'm tired of waiting and all the questions that come barreling right behind.

I'm tired of viewing my body in medical terms. I'm tired of sexual acts, intimacy, arousal all being used as a baseline rather than just a normal human being loving on their spouse. I'm yearning for the day Joshua doesn't have to worry about causing me pain and the relief he might feel once the weight has been lifted off of his shoulders. I question what I've done or what I haven't done that has caused this new round of hormonal imbalance? What additional consequences will I endure? How does this effect a future family? What else in my life has to change that I haven't already majorly let go for the sake of hormonal health? How will this get fixed? It could go on, in this way, mumbo jumbo all over the place - questions upon questions.

When is enough, enough?

Now what?

I'm not sure if there is anything more confusing, frustrating and miserable than wanting something in your heart so pure, full of love but unable to bring it to fruition because of uncontrollable circumstances. Anxiety lives right here - right in that statement because there is not a direct response any doctor or counselor or therapist can give me to mend the fragile desperation in my core.

It's a common trend, these idling feelings of hopelessness, loss and isolation throughout all kinds of trauma in our world, bottled up in the people we share the sidewalk with or sit next to at the red light. However, I'm going to be honest here, I'm done masquerading as a joyful, productive, organized human being. Instead, I'll tell you the truth. I'm sad. Really sad. I'm discouraged by the lack of intimacy I have with my husband and frustrated about the time it takes to heal, if and when that happens. I struggle with the constant flip flopping of good days matched with bad days. I don't know how to shift my mindset to consistently think positively all of the time. I don't know how to keep "trying" when it consistently hurts and then simultaneously feel joy in my life. I just don't. There is nothing joyful in painful sex, crying all the time, wonder, being upset for no apparent reason. It's just not me to pretend anymore. I've been beaten down and it's going to take me a while to get back up but in time, I will.

I promise, I'm not always a drama queen (key word...always)

Yes, I am fully aware others in this world have bigger fish to fry and have more messed up, life altering events completely turning their lives upside down but that does not deescalate or invalidate the here and now of our own personal stories. And I think it's okay to feel the hard stuff in our own lives, while recognizing the differential pain of others and still really struggle to get out of our own funk. I don't think our own messes are selfish or unworthy compared to someone else's.

For now, this post will be a rambling of thoughts. Words on a page. We'll revisit the subject someday but for now, this is has been my news and my heart is heavy.