Defining Vulvodynia
- Lorraine Hohl
- Mar 7, 2021
- 3 min read
& the acknowledgement of unspoken side effects
Joshua and I have been married for three years and I can count the times on one hand that we have had "decent" sex. My version of decent is described as extremely painful but I am able to disassociate with the pain. It also means that I am able to hold back crying afterwards. I typically weep, a deep distraught and probably quite ugly sob after each time we try. I cry as a response to the pain yes, but mostly because I feel broken, failure and anger ... these are what I call the unspoken and catastrophic side effects of Vulvodynia and to me, they are more dangerous suppressed and stewing alone than putting my vulnerability out on the internet.
So what is Vulvodynia? According to the experts, Vulvodynia is defined as "vulvar discomfort, most often described as burning pain, occurring in the absence of relevant visible findings or a specific, clinically identifiable disease." It is a medical acknowledgment of pain until a rather more complex diagnosis, derived from a plethora of symptomatic responses, has been found.
It is like a map (pain) with clues (symptoms) directing you to X marks the spot (the diagnosis) but the advanced version. The clues guide you but may confuse you; perhaps you take the wrong turn and go traveling along thinking you're making progress only to be led to a dead end. So you turn around and try piecing your clues together for a different outcome. It is exhausting and burdensome but when you find the spot, you sigh out of relief however, the impacts of your journey remain.
It wasn't until the fall of 2020 for my pain to be medically acknowledged and diagnosed. Up to that point, I had been a patient to various doctors, specialists and therapists, poked and prodded more times than I can count and had been tested for PCOS, endometriosis, ovarian cancer, fertility and more. I was constantly being pulled onto the roller coaster of "let's wean this out/it could be this" all for every test to come back normal and in one instance, misdiagnosed with hypothalamic amenorrhea(more on this to come). Sex became non existent and hope was quickly floundering.
I currently experience painful sex because my body inadequately produces estrogen, my pelvic floor muscles have a grip like the Incredible Hulk, the nerve endings around my pelvic floor/vagina are hypersensitive and stress beats my body to a pulp. And while I am reassured to have a course of action to remedy the pain, the truth of the matter is I continue to confront the emotional, physical and mental side effects embedded in between the visible, treatable, test driven facts. I am just plain tired of silence and lack of awareness.
Through Joshua and I's story, we will unpack the road to the ultimate diagnosis, side effects of feeling broken, why I fear failure, how and why my body reacts to stressful seasons and much more. Here is a brief list of topics we will cover together:
The idea of sex & body through various perspectives
Cultural expectations of marital roles
Expectations of sex & the "honeymoon phase"
Trust in relationships
Sensuality
Experienced symptoms & psychological impacts
Women's health in the healthcare industry
Stress & the "hustle" mentality
Anxiety & depression
"Brokenness" & more
I have three years of pent up frustration, emotions and research so buckle up pals, we are full speed ahead!
Songs I could listen to on repeat right now
Keep Me In The Moment , Out Of My Hands & The Answer- Jeremy Camp
The Father's House - Cory Asbury
Amen - Micah Tyler
Symphony (feat. Dillon Chase) & Jump- Switch
Into Words - Jasmine Murray
Hold On To Me - Lauren Daigle
I'll Find You (feat. Tori Kelly) - Lecrae
One Day - Cochren & Co.
Steady Me (feat. Aaron Cole) - Hollyn
Nobody (feat. Matthew West) - Casting Crowns
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