The Symptom List

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Below I've outlined symptoms I have or have had, which were by-products of unbalanced hormones, hypersensitive nerves, a tight pelvic floor and stress. I won't be going through the symptoms in great detail or how I've begun to fix them (later blog post) but my goal is for you to read what my body endured prior to receiving proper care and resources.

Three years ago, my symptoms were mix-matched puzzle pieces with an illusion they could fit together with a more prevalent gynecological diagnosis using treatment plans doctors were comfortable providing. Yet, I was the "special case" they kept telling me, after each test, symptom or procedure through them for a loop and the puzzle became more and more like a 1000 piece nightmare.

This.Is.Your.Warning! I'm either going to completely gross you out and you'll stop reading, make you a bit uncomfortable but you'll want to know more, blow your mind or totally relate, to which I empathize wholeheartedly.

Irregular Periods

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You've just read a sample of my cycle history prior to being under the care of a physician. In fact, since puberty began, my periods were off kilter in a big way. Chalked up to athleticism in high school and college, nothing was ever done about it until my periods vanished all together in my mid- twenties, well after the hockey stick was put away and the running subsided. Okay Flo, you've gone too far.

What I know now is that my cycle data provides a snapshot of my body's long term inability to produce hormones due to surrounding environments, both internal and external. Some of these environments I can control and some I cannot such as diet, stress response, physical exercise, anatomical makeup, etc. Over exercising, unintentionally consuming too little calories, pressures to do well, lack of coping mechanisms all compounding on top of a body lacking to produce enough hormone in the first place, caught up to me. My body began to shut down.

Restlessness/Insomnia/Irritability

I didn't really pay attention to slowing down. Always moving. Always filling the calendar with something to do. The same go-go-go mindset transitioned into nighttime routines. My brain's inability to shut off school work, the next project, relationships, worries and fears, real world work responsibilities, right versus wrong, management, home life, bank accounts, weekend plans, errands, run here - go there behaviors (get the picture) left me wide awake at night. I couldn't fall asleep or stay asleep. On average I loosely slept, an interrupted, 3-5 hours a night.

Without sleep, I was a grouch all of the time.

Vaginal Dryness/Burning & Scraping Sensation

"It's an extreme burning sensation like he is scraping me with a sharp knife," I would say with tears.

Before the doctor would begin to ask me questions, I already would begin to explain the various kinds of lube we tried, the amount we used, the types of condoms we tried, the length of foreplay or what was tried during foreplay, the time of day, the foods I ate, the amount of caffeine, water and alcohol I consumed, the positions tried - you name it, I said it and nothing worked. Sex hurt so bad.

At first, I was able to hide it from Joshua. I could make my face look a certain way, bury the pain and hold my body still. Eventually, it became unbearable. Yet I still wanted to try for my husband, not for myself.

Vaginal "Closing"/Tightening Pelvic Floor

The more we tried, the more my body began to resist.

Joshua was not welcome. In fact, penetrative sex ceased because Joshua physically couldn't enter. My pelvic floor went into protective mode as the muscles around my vagina closed in on itself. When he could enter, I would often ask Joshua what he felt on the receiving end. "Like I can't move," is what he would say or, "I feel like I would have to really push and I don't want to hurt you."

At the time, I had no awareness of my pelvic floor, how it functioned, what importance it had to my sex life or daily life for that matter and how to tighten/loosen the muscles. Zippo knowledge.

Low Libido/Lack of Arousal/Feeling "Numb"

I once told my mom that if I had to go my whole life without sex, I probably could. Her face dropped and through the long sigh and hushed tone said, "Oh, Lorraine," as if it was heartbreaking.

I'm not a sexual being. At the moment, I don't know how to be sensual and nothing really turns me on. I struggle with both initiating intimacy and being desired. I move his hands out of the way, curtail the compliments and disengage with his subtle innuendos. I've explained this to my therapist as "feeling numb" to sensuality.

Part of these behaviors are a direct result of my brain mapping sex/intimacy with pain and who actively runs towards pain? This especially breaks my heart because there is little Joshua can do for his wife and little his wife can do for him until we can map the neuro pathways differently.

Can we just stop for a moment and think about him in this situation? Even though he tells me time and time again, "Lorraine this isn't your fault," I truly wonder if he takes his own advice? Even though it's not his fault, he must feel powerless, undesirable and unable to make his wife feel good.

What an awful feeling. What a blow to his confidence.

Needless to say, I didn't take his advice. I carried the weight of not only my condition but blamed myself for taking away Joshua's ability to pursue me.

Night Sweats

I kept three pairs of pajamas and two pillow cases next to my bed every night for a couple of years. As a newly married woman, how embarrassing. I would wake up, cold, soaked in sweat. I still experience this in spurts. I cannot pinpoint it towards my diet, time of day I've exercised, where I am in the phase of my cycle or cortisol levels.

Honestly, there isn't much to say here . Regardless if Joshua is asleep when I wake up drenched each night or not, having to explain why my whole dresser drawer of pajamas remains bedside is humiliating.

Lack of Motivation

Take everything mentioned above and explain to me how I wasn't suppose to feel broken? How about some icing on the cake? I had a job that sucked the life out of me not because I wasn't managing my time correctly or because I was doing a poor job, but rather the opposite. I was working at a high level really well and doing something well in politics means you're battling hard constantly. I also felt severed from God's healing, lacked physical access to friends/family who live far away and doctors seemed to be struggling when they were suppose to know how to fix it.

Broken at home. Broken at work. Broken with God. Alone. Tell me how I wasn't suppose to be depressed. Yup, I said it.

Overtime, my gungho attitude turned into sitting on the couch, scrolling Instagram, wallowing in tears almost every night. I didn't want to exercise. I didn't want to cook. I let my home go, and for those who know me fairly well, I like a clean house. I couldn't remember things I was suppose to do or I could talk myself out of doing things all together. I could barely concentrate.

Cake, icing and now sprinkles - I wagered with God and told Him I was mad at Him. I compared myself to women in the bible, how He allowed even the barren women to have sex. I took this same attitude and applied it to current day life. That's how ugly my heart bled from the devil's stronghold. I consistently went through a cyclical timetable:

feel broken/sad > angry > numb/it will always be like this > sliver of hope/be patient

I didn't find joy in anything and to be honest, joy still is hard to come by.

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I share my symptom list because it's real life. It's gross and raw all wrapped up into one big ball of pain. Women are complex. Our bodies are under-researched and poorly analyzed by professionals who are lacking the oomph to do more and learn more. This isn't entirely their fault, as they are limited by big medicine but I do stop to wonder how "special" my case is? How many of us were hodge-podged together? There is too much at stake. Time is of the essence.

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My least favorite homemaking chores:

1. IRONING!

2. Cleaning the coffee pot

3. Emptying the cat's litter box

4. Window washing

My favorite homemaking chores:

1. Clean bathrooms!

2. A clear island or kitchen space

3. Weeding

4. A made bed (although this hasn't happened recently because our cat likes to bite and rip up my comforter - sigh)