The Honeymoon Phase - More Like The Struggle Bus

In the beginning... it totally stunk.

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Raise your hand if you've ever experienced a failed expectation. It's the honor system here, since I can't actually see you raising your hand, but I have a pretty solid hunch that the majority of us would raise our hands in unison.

I'm not sure where I initially heard the phrase "honeymoon phase" but I do know that I 100% expected to relish in it for as long as possible.You know, the kind of phase where the meals are cooked well and on time, you work together to complete the household chores without hesitation, you never fight, sex is often and good (because no one ever told me sex would be a mixture of wow moments and eh it could be better), you willingly make your husband's lunch and he puts the toilet seat down, cuddling by the nightly news with a glass of wine is a daily occurrence - you see no wrong in each other. Nothing aggravates you.

Let's take a step back, too. I also expected our engagement to be an elevated extension of dating. I envisioned excitement in the wonder of morphing our lives together more permanently and enjoying the steps to get there. I had a perfect picture in my head, and I believed it to be true.

For Joshua and I, this fantasy forcefully floundered in the last few months of engagement and I can personally testify towards its heart aching pain and creation of deep wounds. Most of the "big ticket" items typically resulting in breakups, divorce and/or separation, we experienced on multiple occasions. Behind closed doors, we openly talked to those that we trusted, who had more experience and could give us guidance to make our marriage work. On the outside, we walked around like professional actors, appearing to be an engaged couple, totally enthralled with each other. We looked happy when in reality, our hearts were bruised. We were scared of losing what little trust was in our bucket, scared of messing up, scared of divorce, scared of a wrecked relationship.

Holding off the wedding was a viable option yet in some twisted way, we both didn't want to. Perhaps it was a mixture of pride and grace, although in the moment, I would not have classified our actions as graceful but rather matter of fact. We said we were going to get married, so therefore we are getting married and by golly, we will make it work. So we chose to make major life adjustments prior to marriage, we sought both pre-marital and personal counseling, we quickly matured individually so that together, we could support one another. Yes, there were times where the trauma crept back into my brain and made me question if the decision to make it work was really worth the potential pain.

Leading up to the wedding day, I had to hype myself up, convincing myself everything would work out. I was disappointed for being robbed of the long awaited honeymoon phase. Honestly, I was terrified of entrapment, second guessing if the decision to make it work was in my best interest. What if I couldn't forgive? What if something else happens after we say our vows and it's too much? How much more could my heart take? My attitude was selfishly guarded.

There was nothing glamorous or easy about our transition from being engaged to married and it effected and continues to effect our marriage in some instances. When emotions are running high, harbored resentment makes forgiveness challenging. Sometimes I still feel robbed of an expectation I wanted to experience. The scared feelings rush back and I question why we couldn't have the "normal" first year of marriage fun.

Wait a second....normal? Who defines normal? What is normal? Is normal a one size fits all? How and why do we create expectations based off of embedded ideals instead of reality? We can recognize the more we expect out of people or situations, the more devastating it can be when broken so why do we expect so much? Why in the world do we grow up in a society where we watch, listen and learn about marriage, and in most cases the beginning stages of marriage, as a fluff reality fully obtainable and standard practice? I wonder how many couples do not experience a honeymoon phase and are crushed because they didn't live out what they thought to be the generic normal? Don't get me wrong, I can acknowledge some couples experience engagement and early years of marriage to be lovey-dovey but I'm convinced it's not as many as we think.

As a society, I believe we have missed the mark. We've distorted the picture of marriage by over stating the feel good aspects while minimizing the hard work it actually takes. We live in a culture where instant gratification holds more value than getting our hands dirty. Everything should be easy, stimulating and make us feel all warm and fuzzy and when it doesn't go as planned, forget it and move on. Consequently, expectations of how things (marriage) ought to go are created on a shaky foundation and we are left with the choice of either walking away or gritty rehabilitation.

Rebuilding the foundation to a marriage is messy but God honoring all in one. It's gathering at the table, completely vulnerable saying to each other, "I'm human and therefore faulty, I'll mess up and expose the dirty bits of my heart but will you take me as I currently am and help reshape my heart?" Sound familiar? Don't we similarly plead this with God? Father, I know I am sinful but will you forgive me and cleanse me so that I may walk more in tune with your Kingdom. And if our Father extends His grace by welcoming us back into His arms, over and over again, why would we not do the same in our marriages?

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Our Favorite Dates:

1. Going on long walks or hikes

2. Kayaking the Jig (a local creek)

3. Devouring carrot cake at Devon's Seafood & Steak House.

4. Ordering takeout to eat in, watching one of our favorite TV shows

5. Playing Connect Four in the living room - although I think playing corn-hole will soon supersede this since we were gifted boards for Christmas.

the most accurate representation of our canoeing trip in Costa Rica