Cultivating Connection

the pain of sex broke our bond...

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The connectivity of intimacy, when embraced in desired commitment to one another, cultivates a bonding partnership. Our exposed vulnerability percolates from our nakedness yet we intertwine ourselves regardless of the shame, the unknown, the bumps and each others mishaps. The beauty of connecting, working together, selflessly giving while also receiving is an act of deep love, which has the opportunity to extend beyond the bedroom.

And when the connection isn't there... it becomes painstakingly hard to bond to each other in the ordinary routine of life.

There was long stretch of time where the magnitude of sexual pain was so emotionally and physically damaging, Joshua and I stopped being intimate all together. I couldn't tolerate it any more and he couldn't bare the distraught weeping after each attempt. Although he would embrace me, comfort me, console me, automatic thoughts of failure and brokenness overcame my body and I began to push him away. Rolling over to drawn in the waves of unanswered questions and bitterness, I would cry and cry and cry, sometimes to the point of exhaustion.

For weeks, there was no giving or receiving of intimacy in any capacity. To be honest, I must have had a subconscious expectation that sex was the largest component of marriage. Why else get married? Otherwise, aren't we just acting like roommates with a few added benefits? Because of this illegitimate thought process of mine, our bond immensely suffered.

We would become more tense towards each other, speak in tones of discontentment and quick to raise our voices. We became skeptics of each other, doubting our trust and accused each other of infidelity. Yes, you read that correctly. It was here where our twine of connection was hanging by one loose thread.

I escaped to work because it seemed as if there, I had power over something I could do right and perform well. Joshua certainty didn't like my absence and queue the devil's stronghold as he slipped disgusting thoughts into Joshua's heart. Ironically and not really funny, I would say, "If I can't have sex here with you, how the heck could I with someone else." He began to question my motives, my timeliness, my work agenda and disengaged with me if I began to discuss work. His heart was in shambles, blaming himself for the pain, the inability to fix the situation as men think they can often do and in his personal doubt, doubted me.

So while I was upset at him for his discolored heart, I too began to fear. I believed an expectation where men are uncontrollable sexual creatures, needing attention and taken care of often. I thought it my duty to provide for his needs and place my own aside, feeling selfish for his temporary celibate season. As a result, while I truly didn't want him to, I began to ultimately come to terms with him needing to release tension by other means. Yes, I mean through pornography. Deep down, this thought crushed my spirit and fueled my failed wife mantra.

Readers, it was truly an ugly season and I'm not really sure how we would have come out on the other side without true biblical conviction and guidance. It was a continual prayer for healing, a healing not only physically for myself but for Joshua and I's marriage.

It is true, sex is a bonding agent and when the agent isn't working, the durability of connection weakens. However, sex is not the answer to marriage and where I was wrong, is it's not the point, which is back-words thinking in our society today. In fact, while ordained by God, sex is not necessary. It's a gift on Earth not a reward in Heaven. What truly matters is the cultivated connection outside of sex so that during sex, it is beauty and vulnerable and shameless.

When Joshua and I began to loosen the grip of sexual expectation, our tongues and body language released the built up frustration and our home became our haven, not our place of fear. I know when Joshua and I can have pain free sex, the bond we are fostering outside of sex, after we walked through the nasty, has only strengthened our ability to enjoy each other in the bliss of a God created pleasure.

Perhaps you are walking through a sexual hiatus due to medical or relational reasons, and feelings of failure, doubt in your ability or in your spouse have entered your mind, my encouragement to you is to constantly be in prayer, reflecting your heart and its ugliest bits. Ask for the fear to be ridden and the doubt to scramble... over and over again. Patiently and fervently show up for your spouse and if you have to tell them a hundred times more how committed you are to them, do so. Seek help, ask questions, rebuild your marriage on a bedrock of biblical truth rather than societal expectation.

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Some of our silly quirks:

1. Joshua runs down a hill when hiking, after I'm typically at the bottom.

2. Lorraine has 15 tabs up on the computer right now, something she thought she would never do (taking after her mom)

3. Joshua holds his water glass when eating, as if it's going to run away or something

4. Lorraine rearranges the dishwasher after it has been loaded

5. Joshua only latches 3/4 tabs on Mack's litter box. Don't ask me why the the fourth is never closed?

6. Lorraine always tells Joshua the same three things before he leaves for work, in her half slumber state - eyes closed

   1. be good

   2. be safe

   3. text me when you get there (although she is still asleep)